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[01 Jan 2007|05:36am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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SHIT...!
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| ... |
[27 Dec 2006|01:25pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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I have no words anymore. I can't even think of what I would say if I could say it. How do you tell someone they took away your childhood?
How is it that everytime I come home looking for answers I only end up lost?
I consider myself a very easygoing person and it doesn't take much to make me happy. But when people can't get over themselves enough to understand the needs of others it really upsets me.
I give up. There will be no relationship with my father. That will never be what it should. Hopefully it will fade away.
I won't be back for more than a week in the summer.
And as for everything else...what will be will be.
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| Feel the Love Generation |
[19 Dec 2006|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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morose |
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ireland was fantastic. i made out with a guy from the north of dublin. gerald. a farmer. cool, huh?
now i'm back and i'm going to die. i vomitted three times. not really but it doesn't mean i don't want to. my heart is shrivelling up. what can i say? how can i explain? i feel like no one will understand...
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[29 Oct 2006|03:26am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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I met a man -
an Irishman -
and his name was James.
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| YESSS!!! |
[22 Oct 2006|02:12pm] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
] |
WE ALL PASSED!
I am now certified in SMALL SWORD!!!
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| London update... |
[18 Oct 2006|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
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I am officially exhausted. My body hurts, my leg is sore, and I never get enough sleep. But I'm the happiest I've ever been!!! Paris was lovely. Nothing amazing, just pleasant. We're planning a spontaneous trip to Amsterdam soon, I can't wait for that. Also a trip to Oxford is in the works - it's where HP is filmed! Classes are coming along as well. Today in acting class RIchard told me that I was very good. He said he can tell that my voice has made a lot of progress. I'm so happy that he complimented me. I know they do things differently here but I was still beginning to think that I wasn't any good. The biggest challenge so far, however, is proving to be staying awake in Dramatic Literature and History of British Theatre. The second class is only an hour but DAMN! Did I mention how much I love stage combat? I'm not worried about the fight test, I hope that doesn't mean anything. I did start to have doubts though when on Monday Phillip, our sub, worked us extra hard and made us tighten everything. I felt like I just took two steps backward. And I'm up for the challenge of fixing the problems, but for the fact that my effing right leg is so sore that I can barely move it. If it's not better by tomorrow, I'll just have to suffer. I refuse to suck because I'm mortal!
We went to Stratford last Thursday and saw The Tempest and Much Ado About Nothing. The Tempest was a giant snore but Much Ado...SPECTACULAR! And Benedict -
I am now officially in love...with three men. During intermission we asked Richard if any of them were coming to talk to us. He said yes and we shouted, "Who?!" And he said, "The one you want." BENEDICT!!! AHHHH! He's coming to talk to us. I think I will faint.
I made five million cookies today instead of doing work.
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[30 Sep 2006|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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i met Professor Umbrage! she was an amazing woman. so frank and so real. it was so inspiring seeing her. richard brought her in after and before many other equally wonderful people. complicated sentence much? so far her and michael sheen are my favs.
stage combat is going swimmingly, i love it. oh oh oh! and we saw rufus sewell in rock and roll! he was magnificant! theatre is respected so much more over here. i love it.
i went shopping the other day and spent an obscene amount of money. but i'm so happy with my purchases. i need to take more pictures, my mom keeps nagging me. the past week has been really nice. we had a quesidilla night a couple of days ago. there was so much smoke that we set off the alarm. it was really funny. i went to the movies last night. it was like a stage theatre! there were curtains and a balcony... i felt like i was in annie!
i know i had more to say but i just can't remember it. oh well...
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[13 Sep 2006|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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so the first few days have past. i'm already exhausted. i barely have enough energy to be writing this now. i can already see results though. i notice i feel more aligned and i can tell i'm walking taller. i wish my thoughts could go in a more sequential order but everything's coming to mind in a flurry. so...first up we saw Nixon/Frost which was amazing! then richard told us that we would be meeting the man who played David Frost. who happens to be Michael Sheen. he plays tony blair in the upcoming movie the Queen with helen mirren. he came in today and we had a discussion. you should imdb him because he's that cool. and he's accomplished in stage too! and sooooo beautiful. but on to more important things...!
stage combat is my FAVORITE CLASS! the professor is so nice and personable. i feel like i've learned so much already!!! i hope i'm as good as i think i am. that goes for sonnets too. i have richard for that. i feel like a couple of the professors don't like me. i don't know. but whatever. our group is so large - 22 - but we all get along so well. i love everyone. i hate to say it but it's not like this at Adelphi.
i broke down today. i just started crying and it wouldn't stop. i cried on the plane over. and i was on the brink of tears for days but i never cried. and today, for one reason or another, i couldn't hold it together anymore. it started when i didn't get to ask michael sheen my question. we had so little time, 1 hour, and richard asked him questions for 35 minutes. that annoyed me. i really needed to hear from a real professional, not a hollywood creampuff, about having doubts in their career. and i need to know how they got through it because i'm going through it and i'm so scared that i'm nothing special and i have nothing great to contribute to society...
i've strayed...
then in novel project i felt like no one liked my ideas so i didn't feel as if i contributed anything. so i started to feel like an outsider. i always feel like i don't fit in for some reason. i'm just always consious of the fact that i'm different, but maybe not special. and so i cracked.
::sigh:: but i'm better now. london is great, the people are great, and i'm always hungry...
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| LONDON! |
[12 Sep 2006|12:52am] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
will post update soon for TESSA!!!
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| i'm standing on the edge of a cliff... |
[16 Aug 2006|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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and i'm waiting for them to push me...
in other words, i just applied for a loan all by myself. with no guarantee that i'll be able to pay it back without starving. but i have to do this. i don't know where i'll be in 5 years. i have to live now, before i'm too tied down to do so. i think i'm proud of myself...
not doing this would be cowardly. besides i've already bought my airline ticket!
speaking of flying...
i'm really bad at it. i get so freaked out with the littlest bit of turbulence that i can't control myself. i end up looking like a total chicken poop. so i went to the doctor - because there's no way i'll be able to go 6 1/2 hours if i can't go 3 - and asked her for something to knock me out. and she proscribed xanax. i hope it works.
and there's this thing about me that i've always been self conscious about and i never thought i'd be able to get rid of it. it's this white mark on my front right tooth. i hate it. and so at the dentist today i asked her if anything could be done. and lo and behold the answer is yes! she said it's a simple bonding procedure. and it takes 1/2 and hour, is disgustingly cheap, and is painless. for so long i've been so shy, and now it'll be gone in time to go to London. i can't believe i'm lucky enough for this to happen to me. i'm sooo happy.
everytime i get scared of this loan thing, i just tell myself that it's just money. it really is. and i'll live even though i'll be in debt. so many things are going right, i can't help but be thankful and excited.
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| something productive |
[13 Jul 2006|11:50am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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so the new regime has begun! i figured that if i documented it then it would be harder for me to quit. yep folks, i've started exercising! 3 days so far - which is a good thing. last night di konked out on me so i was left on my own to continue with out support! but it's ok...i shall prevail! i don't really have a goal weight or anything. i absolutely do not want to shrink down to the size of a toothpick. i just want to trim some fat. i happen to like my curves. i'm sore from it though. especially in my right arm. i hope i didn't pull anything. in case you're wondering, i'm doing tae-bo (gonna have to check the spelling on that one). it's so exhausting. i'm trying to build stamina. so far i've been lasting 20 minutes! who knows what that'll do. we'll see. i think with these things you have to take them one day at a time or you'll dive yourself crazy. (just so you know, i just had a brain fart and forgot how to spell "or".)
i got to go into the actor's equity building yesterday, which was pretty neat. i didn't expect to be so happy about it. i guess because i wasn't expecting to go or something. there's just something about knowing that you're in a whole building with people who have something in common with you. who are just like you - in some ways anyway... the place was larger and nicer than i expected. just goes to show you how many of us are out there - and how many pay dues!
i'm hungry. i would very much like to leave this office and go to Chef Yu for some delicious chinese! but no, i have two hours and fifteen minutes left! my boss hasn't even showed up yet! i finished everything i knew had to be done. which was all of one thing! i updated the prop list for R&J. i'm prop mistress and ASM! i don't even have any training in the area from school and i'm doing a professional show. cool, huh?
speaking of which - we're doing Romeo and Juliet! i look at the script and i can actually hear the lines being spoken from our production. lines i'd forgotten, not even my own. i could hear them loud and clear in the exact way the actor said them! it's such a sweet memory, that show. i miss everything about it. i wish i could feel that way about every show i do.
okay time to stop rambling and leave you with thoughts of Romeo and Juliet.
"Switch and spurs, switch and spurs or I'll cry a match!"
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[05 Jul 2006|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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Every time I turn around there's something different to do. And of course it usually has to do with money stuff and school. Which is very annoying. And everyone's always on my case to get everything done and I can't help but to feel overwhelmed. It's never a big deal; it's just that I get pressure from eight different people and it starts to make me angry. Having a big family is nice, but when they all start to harp on you it gets to be infuriating. They all act as if I'm not going to get anything done if they all don't tell me 13 times a day what I have to do. And it's like I have 3 mothers too. I'm staying with my aunt this summer and sometimes I go over to my grandparents'. "You can't leave things until the last minute. You have to be considerate of others. When was the last time you went to church?"
It's all too much. And I feel like such a burden here. Why on earth did I stay here this summer? The days I have to intern in the city don't change, and yet every time my aunt has to take me to the train I have to hear it. And the people over at Pulse are so annoying. I feel like the two sides are playing tug of rope and I'm the rope. And I can't work because everything is so far away which equals more driving from my aunt. And I'm such a schmuck because I didn't lie to the man at GAP (the only place within walking distance) and I told him it would only be a summer job. So I have no income and my savings are slowly diminishing.
I just wish I had gone back home, and gotten a job at Starbucks, because I refuse to go back to GJ. Or I could have probably gotten the kick ass theatre summer camp job that B got and made mucho bucks. And I would have had access to a car and all my friends and the beach and happiness! And I'm kicking myself harder because this may be the last summer I get to spend with B before she really has to commit to marital duties. And what's worse...Ashley got a job at a horse camp in Jersey so she could be closer to us and we can't even see her! She has no phone signal so we can't talk. And she only gets 24 hours at a time off and no way to get to the city from the sticks.
All this and I have to read all these fucking books that are so boring I want to gouge my eyes out with my earrings. I haven't even put a dent in anything. I'm not rooming with my sister in London. My roommate is some dancer girl from another school. I'm sure she's perfectly nice, but she's uber skinny and I'm just not. I haven't had the best of luck with random roommates either. What happens if I hate her?!
Let's see...I have so much on my mind and I want to get it all out. I can't do what I want with my look because god forbid I should put extensions in my hair or wear it curly or dye/highlight it. I'm afraid I'll fail in this career, which makes me so mad because I've spent all this time and money and it's too late to go back. I'm so conflicted...
I want answers damnit...
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[22 Jun 2006|01:31am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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this summer is turning out to be a bust. i cant do anything i want because i have to be considerate of others and all that. i'm enjoying my internship though...except all the money i'm spending commuting into the city. i have this huge talent crush on this guy who won over the director and who i think is now going to be romeo! originally he was supposed to be white and juliet was going to be black, but he just flipped the chart! HE'S JUST SO GOOD! he can speak the verse in a way that's contemporary but still clear. i'm excited to see what's going to happen. i hope she casts some of the cuties i've seen! i'm in serious need of some man candy!
i feel like new york holds this promise of something great to come in the air. but it never comes through for me. it's just an empty promise. how long does someone like me have to wait until i meet someone who i like? it's so unfair. i see people who never seem to be without admirers and i'm still waiting to meet just one person. i don't think it's too much to ask. i mean, after a while, you start to doubt yourself. whether or not you're really pretty or just not ugly. it's so annoying.
being away from home has made me realize some things about how other people see me. it makes me self conscious. i'm afraid to go up to people because i think they'd never want to talk to me. i hate that i think about it every day. i hate that i have to be so different, work so hard, and live in a world all by myself...
i didn't intend to be so morbid. i'm really not that depressed or anything. i'm just a broke college student who lives in her angst every once in a while...
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[03 Jun 2006|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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music |
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Grease |
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it's been so long since i've updated. gosh. i really don't feel like writing that much now, but i feel i must say something! i just bought a bunch of clothes. i'm happy with all of my purchases. two pairs of bermuda shorts, a new pair of jeans, and a pair of capris.
i haven't found work yet. i'm hoping that starbucks will hire me. it's the best i can do. i should have applied to work at a summer theatre camp. oh well. i checked my email and there's no sign of a schedule yet from Pulse. Pulse Ensemble Theatre is where i'm doing my internship. i don't get paid, but i get a metro card. that doesn't really help much to alleviate the cost of getting to NYC from the LI. $6.75!!!
whoops! i forgot i was doing laundry! ha ha! i wonder how long the washer's been done...
getting back to clothes - i still want to get some flip flops and shirts. and a few pairs of nice sweats. maybe like 3 or four mix and match sets. i wonder where i should look.
the weather has been so ugly lately. rain and humidity! blech!
MAN! i have nothing interesting to say...
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[05 Apr 2006|02:36am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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i miss home, damnit! i miss how life was, how easy it was to just have friends, and have them care. and to know they trust me. and that i don't have to be fake when i don't want to be. and that means i can tell them to go fuck off and i know that they'll still be there because they know better than to take me seriously. and...
i miss them, and love them, and want it all back. it sucks, but i'd give up all i have now to go back, and relive everything, and make sure i do things right this time. so i'd have no regrets. i'd ignore the things i payed attention to and pay attention to the things i ignored. i'd have stopped judging sooner. i'd be less afraid.
GOD! why can't i feel the way i did? is that it? is that all i get? i'm happy now, but not as happy. i want my comfort back. i want it all. i could easily quit and go back. but that wouldn't solve any problems. because the bad things i left behind are still there, waiting to turn what would be a dream into a nightmare...
i miss them, and i love them. why can't they be here with me?
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| Fun with names... |
[03 Apr 2006|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)
Pepper Terrace
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy)
Franchette Sourstraw
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two of last)
K. Co.
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite uncle's first name, favorite color, favorite season)
Thierry Orangesummer
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Jamaica
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Col val Pre
7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
Lavud
8. Hot Name: (middle name, street around the corner from you)
Pine Island
9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive)
The Orange Nothing
10. STRIPPER NAME: (Your second pets name & the highway closest to you)
Midnight Sawgrass
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| OOOhhhh my goodnessss... |
[14 Feb 2006|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
Thanks Katie!!! I'm glad you're thinking of me!!!
Happy Valentines Day!!!
MUAH!
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[07 Feb 2006|01:38am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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I want something different...
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| And so ends another vacation |
[13 Jan 2006|11:40pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
] |
So...I'm off tomorrow morning back to school. Thank God! It's been hell here with everyone gone. I'm really scared about the plane ride. Why can't it ever be smooth!? I checked the weather and it says that winds are expected to be up to 25 miles per hour! I wish I wasn't so afraid of flying. I'm sad - I think it's because I'm getting my period next week. I've been so hormonal. This never used to happen. All of a sudden - boom! So not only am I feeling worthless but I'm going to be bleeding constantly during what is supposed to be an exciting week. And for some reason I feel like my friends aren't even going to realize I'm there. I had this dream that I got back and everyone was annoyed that I was around. No one wanted to hug me! And I miss them. Oh my god, this is ridiculous! Ugh! I hate feeling this way and not being able to do anything about it. I don't care about anything right now. I just want to practice something, work on a piece, something to make me feel like I'm worth a damn...
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